boy: aiyo. go!!!!

boy got pissed off w girl.

if the boy don’t wish the girl to go, why can’t he juz ask the girl not to go?

girl: finish playing le. going find u now.

boy: juz go home. don’t need come n find me.

girl: ok. fine. I will go home.

boy: you really going home?

if the boy don’t wish the girl to go home and not find him, why ask her to go home in the first place?

我就像是只見不得光的過街老鼠。

不時，你都會常常提起她的名字。
說她有多好。
說與她那些難忘的美麗回憶。

我就像是她的代替品。

或許這些才是我真正想要放手的原因吧。
或許你永遠都不會知道這些。

老天爺，如果祢想要這樣對我的話。
不然，祢就拿了我這條狗命吧。

“Why are you getting jealous so easily yet you do not allow him to get jealous?”

Am I asking for too much? Am I being very greedy in this relationship?

I just do not like the fact that you are being so closed with her. I just don’t feel secured. You said that you would keep re-assuring me whenever I don’t feel secured. But, it will always ended up having quarrels.

Maybe, the main reason why I will really get jealous, is because I always have the feeling that the friendship you had with her is much more important than our relationship.

Now, I can’t help it but keep blaming myself for trying to matchmake you two in the earlier days.

How ironic can it be?

Just minutes ago, we said that we want to treasure all the time we had with each other now before I start to get busy working.
Just hours ago, we said that we shall control our temper more and stop quarrelling.

It really set me thinking. Am I really good enough for you? Am I really the perfect girl for you?

Sometimes, I really felt like a weakling. Whenever we quarrel, I will end up crying. I’m really tired of crying. I’m tired of all these stupid quarrels.

I’m not confidence of how long more can I take it. But, I really do not wish to give up. Yet, I had really used up almost all my patience.

Oh God, please increase my capacity of faith and patience.

對你而言，我或許就像是一個玩具、一粒玩具球，常常都把我給踢給別人。。。

但是，有時你給我的愛撫與關懷卻是那麼的溫暖。

我真的不知道該怎麼辦才好。。。

For the past few months, I went thru a roller coaster ride. Everything in my life is changing from in control to out of control.

Feelings.

I am seriously out of my mind to entirely let lose my feelings. I felt so lost when I am left alone to deal with it just because I do not know how to start talking about it. Reason being nobody knew about it until I say it out. I never know how to deal with my feelings in the proper way after keeping in deep after so long. This time round, I fell hard again like months ago. Because of what happen months ago, I am scared to make known my feelings clearly to anybody. Maybe, I should just keep it deeper or even just forget about it. It is a total mistake to even have any feelings for him. 

Perhaps it is just becoming a habit for the both of us. To talk, To hangout. Like a drug. 

Health. 

It sucks to the max. Seriously, I rather it be some terminal illness and I can just die the next day. This way, I would not need to suffer. Neither do I need to worry about any other things.

My head is exploding. I can’t write any more. Goodbye. 

How I wish, my head would explode just like a grenade and I can really say goodbye…

人心難測。

虛偽的，多到數不清。
被利用的，更不用說了。

我承認，我並不是一個很好的人。
人非聖賢。

但是，當我掏心掏肺的去幫助一些人時，我是出自內心的希望你們可以學到一些課本上學不到的事情。我並不想你們步上我的後程。

我並不需要你們把我當做一個神。我只需要你們基本的尊敬。一個當朋友的基本尊敬。但是我換來的卻是你的不屑與不敬。

算了吧。容平。

I felt so tired. Trying to please everybody. Yet, who is there to understand and please me. I asked myself so many times, why. But the
only answer I can find is, I can’t find any reason not to help.

Sometimes, I joke about my death. It is always a taboo to joke about. But, to me, no different. I will still die eventually. It is just a matter of sooner or later. So what if I have dreams unfulfilled? So what if I have things or people that I can’t bear to let go? I can never bring them into the coffin with me eventually.

Don’t worry. I’ll not kill myself. But I’m juz tired of living.

But, I couldn’t. I felt so burdened. In my heart, I am asking myself, had we really stepped in too much.

Every year, I see different problems arising in a committee. Especially the concert committee. Why? Is it really so difficult to work well in a group?

A lot people will tell me. You asked for it. Nobody asked you to KPO so much. Graduate so long already and yet still KPO so much!

In my heart, I always want to let go and let them do and fail. Allowing them to learn thru the hard way and grow. But, I just don’t want to see them go thru what I had went thru.

It wasn’t easy for me during my times. I sacrifice a lot for this 4 letter word – SPCO. I sacrifice my health, my relationship, my friendship, my freetime and even my studies just to make sure this club grows from glory to glory.

I am not trying to show off how great I am. I am not as good in skills and English like EkJun. My temper is not as good as Mervyn. The only thing I am able to do is to sacrifice.

I guess I am the most “pai mia” president even in SPCO history. Have you tried before, the whole committee simply wanting so much of power and they stand against you? Questioning your ability and decision. When in fact, the committee was actually hand-picked by you. The feeling sucks even more when they were your so-called BFF in the club.

I am not trying to dig things up and show people how much hard work I had done and how much shit I had went thru. I just want to put the message across. The message of “if you think you are very pity, there are even more pity people than you”

When I was a year 1 in SPCO, I behaved like an old bird. Just simply because I was a guest player before I became a SP student. Thus, I ended up practicing even harder just because I was fucking lousy in playing zhongruan.

I still remember, how I was made the logistic IC 1 month before the annual concert. Having to do up the stage plan in just 2weeks. The first week when I received the news and 1 week before concert. Reason being, the other 2 weeks was final exam. I was performing in all the songs including percussion piece except for the erhu solo. I dreamt about the instruments, chairs, music stands, stage plan chasing after me. I almost broke down before the last practice before the concert just because of a sentence that a senior commented. I simply snapped.

I still remember, how rude I was to a senior who ended up being the one of them that helped me the most, encouraged me the most when I am so depressed and discouraged with all the things that are happening to me.

I still remember, how I blogged about my sectional leader. Talking about how useless was she as my sectional leader. Ended up having a long blog-war with that sectional leader.

I still remember, how my lecturers will come and tell me, “rongping ah rongping! stop going for your CO any more. please concentrate and come regularly for classes!!”

I still remember, how pissed and angry I was when SPCO got the excellence in service award (group) because I don’t feel that we should have gotten it with just me putting in the effort to make things work.

I still remember, how often I actually broke down in front of people because of the stress and pain I had from SPCO.

BUT, the only thing I can’t remember, is the memories I had with SPCO.

It is a place where I have learnt so much things.
It is a place where I have put in so much effort.

I hate the fact that I teared even when I am typing this post.
I just hope that everybody in the committee will learn how to look at things at a different view.

It is not that we just to say and not do anything. We are unable to do every single thing for every single one. If we were to, it would turn out to be our alumnus concert and not SPCO concert. It isn’t that we just provide eye-power. But by spoon-feeding, we are not helping, but we are putting you all in a losing position.

First, you learn nothing coz Everything is given to you.
Second, it makes you all no difference from a primary school kids.
Third, if you think poly life is scary. working life is worse.

I really hope to see changes. Better attitudes, more willingness.

All the best, SPCO!

He stirred up my feelings with his actions and words.
He “killed” my dreams again with his words too.

But, yet, we are like no strings attached.

Perhaps, this would be the best solution for the time being. But, how long more can I take it? I dont know.
The longest I ever held on, almost like a good 6 years? Even thou I’m in and out of it with 2 others..

Who knows? I might just be like gone from this world the next moment?

Just when I decided to step out of the comfort zone and learn how to commit, you pushed me back into my comfort zone and want me to stay put.

speechless.